


The Countdown

by flawedM



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen, Identity Issues, Pain, Psychological Torture, Recovery, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-14
Updated: 2014-07-14
Packaged: 2018-02-08 19:52:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 13,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1954113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flawedM/pseuds/flawedM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Winter Soldier is left on his own after HYDRA fall. He slowly starts to remember and he knows his past and future are linked to Captain America.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kamikazekatze](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Kamikazekatze).



After he saved the blond guy, the soldier went back to the base. No one was there. He would have guessed it. But he could take care of himself.

The captain dislocated his right arm. He only needed a few second and a firm push against a wall to put it back in place. He couldn’t help uttering a muffled groan of pain, but he didn’t care. He was on his own from now on, wasn’t he? He took care of his other injuries and then checked his guns and reloaded them. Only then he laid on the floor, keeping his knife in his left hand. He only needed to sleep for a few hours. Maybe it would be back to “normal” when he wake up. Maybe the blond guy mistook him for someone else…

"I’m with you til the end of the line…"

The soldier woke up with a start and stood at once in a perfect combat position, ready for battle. What did that mean? He scanned the place and made sure no one was there while his mind keep on wandering. Why did the name - Bucky - felt so familiar? The soldier knew he wasn’t supposed to ask questions. To think. To feel. But he was alone now, no more orders to follow, no more wiping every time he started to know things he shouldn’t have. The soldier decided he needed a battle plan. A mission. And if no one could give it, then he would find one on his own.

First: figure out who was this Bucky…

His stomach rumbled and he realized his throat was dry. He mentally corrected his list.

First: eat and drink. He usually didn’t have to care about these details. The very few time he was out of sleep long enough to feel the need to eat, he was given everything he needed. But he knew he wasn’t going to find anything here, but he would deal with that without problem…

So second: find out about Bucky. He heard them called the blond guy Captain America. The soldier knew he would be the key. He walked to one of the computers. Out of use. Of course. They destroyed all evidence before leaving. They just forgot one. Him. The soldier took a last disgusted look at the device he vaguely knew that was involved in his problems. He couldn’t remember clearly but he had flashes, sensation, and none of it was nice. Pain. Excruciating. Feeling of being blank. Emptied. Wind. A train. The blond guy, reaching for him. Pain in his left arm. The same guy, but different, smaller… A warm sensation in his chest he couldn’t understand. The soldier shook his head as a slight pain went through it. He needed to focus. He turned his back and left the base without looking back once.

He was a ghost. He could move without being seen. He entered a closed shop and was out in no time with food and drink. No alarm. No scream. No one noticed him, no one would remember him. Camera unexpectedly broke. He did everything he had to. What was that twinge in his chest, that feeling of… guilt? The soldier gave himself a mental shake. He couldn’t get distracted so easily.

He found a secure place where he could safely eat while he turned on the computer he stole in a car on the way. He searched for the blond guy on the internet. Didn’t have to search for long. Captain America. Hero of WWII. Survived in cryo for over 70 years. Saved New York city from alien invaders with a team of heroes. Target…. No. The soldier couldn’t keep that thought. Danger… No, it wasn’t right either. The only thing that came to his mind was… friend? The soldier didn’t know what that word meant. He stopped trying to understand. He found something. An exposition about Captain America and his story at the Smithsonian. The soldier suddenly felt calm. He knew what was next.

He had to steal clothes, he didn’t have the choice, he thought without understanding why that made him feel better. He hid his face under a cap, his arm in a jacket. He kept his hands in his pocket and melted into the crowd. There were guards and metal detector at the entrance, so he came in another way. He felt exposed, but forced himself to walk calmly. The soldier had always preferred working from the distance. He was good in close combat, but felt more comfortable from afar.

He walked through the exposition, stopping now and then. He didn’t have to go far to find what he was looking for. The skinny blond - the one who looked like the Captain - was looking at him. And next to it, the story of how Steve Rogers grew up in Brooklyn, lost his parents, found a friend - James B. Barnes - with who he shared everything…

Steve Rogers… That name sounded good in the soldier’s head. Was warm in his heart. He kept moving. Stopped in front of a new picture. Took a double look. Read the text about Sgt James Buchanan Barnes, called “Bucky”. None of his story ran any bell in the soldier’s mind. But he could see his reflection in the glass covering the picture. Hair was longer. Eyes emptier, kind of haunted. But he could recognize his own face in Bucky’s.

A sudden pain burst in his head. He was trained enough to be able to stand still despite the pain. He closed his eyes and breathed faster, waiting for the pain to disappear. He saw the face of the skinny boy - Steve - and his own hand on his shoulder. Steve looked sad, and he didn’t understand why it hurt him this way. The train again. Aiming at a guy’s head in a black convertible. The woman next to him crawling on the trunk after the bullet burst his head. Arnim Zola preparing everything to wipe him. The cold. Everywhere. Deep in his heart. 

The pain vanished as suddenly as it appeared. He had managed to stand still all along, no one had noticed anything. It didn’t last as long as he thought. He couldn’t help shivering. He was freezing cold, but felt a warm liquid on his face. He brought his hand up to his nose. Blood. He wiped it on his sleeve and left before anyone started asking questions. He saw two young boys pointing at him, but he didn’t even consider eliminating them. Who cared? Who would punish him for leaving witnesses alive?

 


	2. Chapter 2

« Steve…. Come on dude, wait for me! »

Steve could hear Sam running as fast as he could to keep up with him. He slowed down – slightly.

“Steve!” Sam managed to catch his arm and forced him to look at him. “He’s already gone, you know… Long gone. We’ll find nothing here…”

“But they _saw_ him, Sam. And he knows. Maybe he’s looking for me. He saved my life, it HAS to mean something. Why else would he let them see him after all this time?”

“Dude, God knows what’s going on in his mind… after everything they did to him? You can’t….”

“You don’t understand”. Steve interrupted him. He started walking again, but this time he kept a pace Sam could follow. Sam thanked him silently.

For the first time since HYDRA and SHIELD falls, they had something on Bucky. The guy was literally invisible. Sam would nearly admire it, if he wasn’t also a cold-blooded murderer. Sam would never say that out loud with Steve around, knowing how touchy he could be about Bucky. Steve did not live it well when Natasha gave him HYDRA’s file on the Winter Soldier. The experiment. The drugs. The surgeries. More experiment, to see how far they could go before he broke. The missions. Sam had to admit the poor guy had been through hell. And he really hoped Bucky would never get his memories back, not because of Steve or anything, just because he couldn’t believe anyone could survive with a past like that. But he never talked about it either.

It had been a couple of weeks since Bucky took Steve out of the water and saved his life. They had been able to follow his track. A bloody track. But he was always at least two steps ahead of them. Steve knew it was him after the very first kill. All suspected – but not proven- HYDRA agents were under watch. Nothing official, as SHIELD didn’t exist anymore, but Coulson did quite a good job sorting something out as fast as possible so the tracks wouldn’t get cold. But none of the two agents watching the target saw the bullet coming. A sniper shot. A god damn good one. Like all the others that followed. Bucky seemed to target the highest HYDRA leaders. But they never saw him, let alone found him.

Until less than half an hour ago. An agent saw him running away, and he told Natasha Bucky didn’t really seem in a good shape. Steve felt fear crushing his chest. He was always anxious lately. He recovered quickly after HYDRA – physically at least – but he couldn’t let himself rest as long as Bucky was on the loose. It was his fault. All of it. Maybe if he had forced them to look more for his body… they could have found him before Zola… It was war-zone, they weren’t supposed to be here, but he should have tried harder. He left his best friend in the hands of HYDRA and Bucky had to go through years of torture. Steve was the only one to blame for it. He should have saved him. Bucky. Bucky, who spent his whole life protecting his own punk head. He abandoned him. And now he had to find him, to help him. For Bucky, and because of it all. Because he needed his best friend in this world he could barely feel as his own.

“Steve!” Sam’s call from a backstreet pulled Steve out of his train of thoughts. He had found a bag with a rifle in. Why would Bucky leave his arsenal behind? Was he over? Steve hoped not, because otherwise chances were they would lose him forever.

 

 

The soldier had heard them coming. He forced himself to stand still and silent. Ignored the pain. It was worse and worse every day. Places, objects, people shaking hands… Anything could trigger a crisis. He was constantly waiting for the pain to come back. Slightly fearing it. Hugely expecting it. Because with the pain came pieces of him. Flashes. Memories. Steve was always there. Skinny, getting punched in a back alley. Bigger, fighting, getting him out of a burning building, walking toward an army, flirting with a beautiful brunette – the soldier felt jealous that day. He still couldn’t understand his own place in it, but he always felt good about Steve. Warmer in a way. The rest of the memories were less pleasant. Pain. Cold. Wiping. Murders. Lots and lots of murders. He felt guilt more and more, but it wasn’t enough to stop taking every head of HYDRA down. The train was always there too. The wind. The fear. Steve trying to reach out for him. The pain in his arm.

His left arm clenched as a reaction, making a loud noise in the silent alley. He internally swore as a new wave of pain stopped him from running away. He saw Steve turning his head in his direction at once.

“Bucky? Are you here?” Why was there _hope_ in his voice? The soldier tried to silently move back, but the pain paralyzed him. He gave up when they appeared.


	3. Chapter 3

Steve heard it. He looked up at Sam and the look on his face confirmed it. He fought against the Winter Soldier only a couple of time, but he could never forget the sound of the arm. It still haunted his dreams. He turned around.

“Bucky? Are you here?”

It couldn’t be his imagination. Sam heard it too. He saw him moving toward the dislocated couch left to rot in the street. Steve made his way around it. His heart broke at the sight awaiting him. Bucky was lying on the ground, visibly in pain. Blood was flowing from his nose. He looked up at him, turned only to see Sam was blocking his way out then turned to him again. He looked like a wild animal lured into a deadly trap.

Steve stopped moving forward and slowly rose his hands, palms forwards.

“Bucky… I’m not here to hurt you, see?”

Bucky kept staring at him with wild eyes. Steve took one more step towards him, which forced Bucky to stand up. He nearly lost his balance and leaned against the wall behind him. Steve was already halfway to him when Bucky growled “No!” Steve immediately stopped

 

 

The soldier closed his eyes and wiped the blood of his face. His breath was short. He felt feverish. He couldn’t fight his way out of this. And not only because of his shape… Just like in the helicarrier, he _felt_ he shouldn’t hurt the blond – Steve, his name was Steve. A new burst of pain nearly throw him on the ground again. He couldn’t help a slight moan of pain. He was angry against himself. He had to control… - Cold. The train. Steve, face covered with blood. Two tombstones marked “Barnes”. Zola. His right hand wiping the blood out of a young red-haired girl’s face. Blood, everywhere. Death. – He screamed out as he fell to his knees, holding his head in his hands and wishing for the pain to stop.

“Go away”, he managed to roar at Steve as he rushed to him.

“No, I’m not leaving you anymore, Buck!”

The soldier didn’t even hear Sam coming from behind and the pain was so excruciating he barely felt the needle in his neck. But he welcomed the loss of his conscience as the pain slowly fade away.

 

 

“Did you really have to do this?” Steve angrily asked, holding Bucky in his arms.

“Doesn’t he seem better to you now?” Sam answered.

Steve checked on Bucky’s breath and pulse before saying, still slightly angry:

“Call Coulson. I don’t want him in a hospital, and I’ll stay with him. All along.”

“I’m not sure they have any fa…”

“Call him!”

That was an order. Sam didn’t mistake it and did as he was told after a muttered “Yes, Captain!” In no time, a car arrived to pick them up and drove them to a secure facility.

Steve carefully watched over unconscious Bucky the whole time. He was pale, and slightly skinnier than the last time he saw him. As if he forgot to eat once in a while. And he looked exhausted. Pain had been washed off his face by the sedative, but he couldn’t even hide how hurt he was in the last minute. Yet Steve had checked him and found no wound…

“What else did they do to you, Buck?”

Steve didn’t get any answer and his fear start to grow like tentacles in his chest.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

The soldier felt a hand on his right arm. He kept his eyes closed and stood still, until he was able to remember… He felt fine. Pain was gone once more and he felt… rested. He wondered how long he stayed unconscious.

The hand on his arm moved, checking his pulse. His body reacted on auto-pilot. His left arm tore effortlessly the bond those fools put on it to immobilize him. His hand locked on the woman’s throat as he opened his eyes and stood up in a fluid movement, pulling her in front of him to use her as a shield. He tightened his grip, enough to make it uneasy for her to breathe. She didn’t even fight back. She wasn’t a warrior. Where was he?

“Bucky… let her go, please… You are safe here…”

Steve was standing on the other side of the bed, holding both his hands in the air… Just like he did in the backstreet. The black guy Steve was always here stood behind him, a gun in his hands.  He got the soldier by surprise… _Him!_ The soldier remembered now.

“Bucky…” Steve insisted.

“Let me leave” he calmly demanded.

“Bucky… just let her go and we’ll talk about it then, ok?”

“You didn’t want to talk back there… He drugged me.” The soldier pointed the black guy out with a nod.

“Sorry my friend, but you didn’t seem really reading to listen to…”

The soldier stuck his eyes in the man’s and he immediately stopped talking.

“Sam just wanted to help, Bucky. We’ve been worried about you. Can you… please let her go?”

Steve talked to him like he was a dangerous animal. The soldier didn’t understand why it hurt him. Steve was right, was he not? The soldier tightened his grip on the woman’s throat just a little more, enough to make her squeak in fear. Sam started to move forward but Steve stopped him.

“Let… me … go” the soldier ordered again.

“Bucky, I beg you…”

“Don’t call me that” the soldier barked. He started to feel uncomfortable. He felt sorry for the woman. The pain was creeping its way in the back of his head. What was wrong his him?

“I’m sorry. That was your name. Bucky Barnes.” Steve sadly said. “How are you called now?” he added, trying hard to sound even. The soldier stared at him, angry.

“Weapons need no name” he hissed, both happy and sad to see how much he could touch Steve with his words. The pain was more and more violent, forcing him to close his eyes a second to gather strength. When he opened them again, Steve was a step closer.

“Back!” he barked.

“Bucky, we want to help. You’re not fine, they are trying to figure out…”

“Now!”

Steve stepped back and called his name again, pleading

“Buck…”

“DO NOT GIVE ME THAT NAME!” the soldier yelled. The woman in his arms started to cry. He threw her over the bed in Steve’s direction as he turned to the door and started running.

 

 

Steve caught hold of the nurse before she hurt herself and let Sam take care of her. He knew he was the only one who could keep up with Bucky. He ignored the agents knock off unconscious on the ground and caught up with his friend as he reached the exit. Bucky was hold at gunpoint by Natasha, firmly holding her ground in front of the exit door.

“Bucky…” Steve started.

“I told you not to give me that name” Bucky growled angrily, turning slightly to show his profile. Steve could see he kept an eye on Natasha, waiting for an opportunity to put her down and flee. “I am not your _friend_.” He added. “I am nothing like him. _He died_ on that train. I am a monster. A murderer. Put me down or let me leave and finish what I started.”

Steve shook his head, in shock.

“No” He refused to believe him. “I know Bucky is still here somewhere in you. We can help you. You can be…”

“I don’t want your help.” Bucky coldly answered, turning his eyes to him. Steve nearly took a step back. They were haunted… empty… So much pain. There was so much pain and disgust on Bucky’s face…

“Let him go” Steve closed his eyes, unable to bare Bucky’s stare.

“Steve, we can’t… We have orders!” Natasha seemed as surprised as Bucky. But Steve ignored her and told his friend “Whenever you are ready… I’ll always be here for you Bucky.”

After a last look of incomprehension, Bucky stepped back, went out and Steve heard him starting to run. He had lost him. Again.

“What have you done?!” Natasha angrily asked.

“Don’t worry, he’ll be back.”

“Well I hope you’re right. And I’ll let you explain that to Coulson.”

 

 

The soldier could run fast for a long time. He could get far away from here in no time. They were still in town. He could… He couldn’t breathe.

He felt Bucky trying to sneak his way in his mind but he couldn’t allow him. Bucky was weak. Bucky was a burden. He had to lock him in the depth of his mind, right away. He wouldn’t let that happen. _He couldn’t be Bucky!_

He rushed in the first deserted backstreet he could find and tried to recover a normal breathing. He put both hands on the wall and leaned forward. He wasn’t Bucky… He wasn’t. The soldier closed his eyes and…

… Bucky threw up. He was coughing and chocking. Every breath burnt his throat on the way down. He felt exhausted. He felt sick. It was raining, and the water running on his face made him feel less feverish. He stepped back until he felt the opposite wall hit his shoulders. He let himself slip to the ground. Bucky didn’t understand what was going wrong. He was seeing faces… so many faces... People he killed. He remembered Steve as well. Steve he just left. He stuffed his face in his hands and started crying.

“Oh Steve… What happened to me?...”

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

Saying Coulson was upset was slightly underrated. He was furious. And Coulson was the kind of guy who was as cold as ice when he was really upset. Steve would have preferred a proper telling-off instead of this cold fury.

He knew Bucky was a precious asset. That he could give them crucial and priceless information about HYDRA and its bases and leaders –given he could remember them, of course… They had many HYDRA agents under arrest already, but no one was fooled. HYDRA had proven its ability to rise from its ashes before.

Steve tried to explain that Bucky was not able to help them right now. That he needed more time. He didn’t know what was going on with his friend, but he knew one thing: he wouldn’t let SHIELD use him the way HYDRA did.

 

 

The soldier was angry. He could feel Buck more and more. It took the soldier quite a long time to come out on top against him. Too many feelings the soldier didn’t understand.  Disapproval, guilt… sadness. Bucky fought back. He wasn’t fine with the soldier’s plan but in the end, he was too weak to be of any danger. The soldier kept feeling him at the edge of his mind from time to time.

He couldn’t understand how Bucky took control. He never felt him as strongly as he did when he faced Steve. Was the captain the cause of it? Or was it just a side effect of whatever was going on with him? The soldier didn’t really care. He wouldn’t go anywhere near that man ever again. He and his friends were trouble. He felt a wave of anger coming from Bucky. With a smirk on his face, the soldier put his guns in a backpack and left his hiding place. Let Bucky be angry… It only gave him more determination.

SHIELD made it harder to do what he planned, but he always liked challenges. And a few more memories came back, giving him the location of a few HYDRA bases he went in the last years. He would take care of that later.

 

 

Steve was less and less confident that Bucky would come back. He killed a dozen more HYDRA agents in the two weeks that followed their encounter. But he suddenly stopped. After Steve found a list of names in his mailbox. He would have recognized Bucky’s handwriting anywhere, but he didn’t understand why Bucky did this. He gave the list to SHIELD and, after investigation, it confirmed it was a list of people closely linked to HYDRA. And some of them were, after a little while, more than willing to share information.

The positive side of that is that Coulson let Steve take care of the “Bucky issue” the way he wanted… but under Natasha’s supervision. Steve would not be allowed to let him go again.

Anyway, they didn’t even know where to start looking. They had no idea where he went and what he planned from then on. Steve finally understood what Natasha meant the day she told him the Winter Soldier was a ghost. Not a single piece of trail to follow. He was just gone.

So the only thing they could do was waiting for him to go out in the open. He would. He had to. Steve hold on to that thought every time despair crept in. Thank god, Sam always had new ideas of where to look, and for unknown reasons, Natasha seemed as motivated as Steve was to find Bucky.

 

 

Bucky knew he would regret it after leaving the list at Steve’s. He was far from imagining how much. When the soldier took control again, he was in fury. Unfortunately, they shared a body and he needed it functional, so he couldn’t physically punish him. But the soldier had years of training and had no problem finding ways of torture Bucky.

He couldn’t finish his chase because of this useless burden. SHIELD put all his targets under arrest and in secure places. He could have killed them anyway. Just a little more challenging. But it would have led him far too close to Steve Rogers and that he couldn’t allow. As he thought about the captain, the soldier felt a warm feeling in his chest. Bucky. He couldn’t let him take control that way.

The soldier started to play with his unfortunate inmate. Planning and picturing multiple ways to get rid of Steve Rogers appeared to be the most effective way to subdue him. As long as he managed to hide he could never actually _do_ anything. He didn’t understand why, but he just couldn’t even think about really killing Steve. But Bucky didn’t know, and the soldier was good at planning. It was his job. His life. And soon Bucky was down. He could nearly _feel_ him kicking in angst and wrath in his mind. Pushing to go through. To take control. Each try weaker than the one before. Pathetic. The soldier laughed at his pitiful attempts. But he was so busy keeping control he didn’t even feel the crisis arrive.

He felt like his skull suddenly cut open. He fell on his knees screaming in pain as images rushed in his mind. Fire. Cold. Gunshots. Pierce telling him he was an important asset. Steve running toward him. Blood on his hands. “You shaped the century”. Life leaving the eye of a strangled man. “You’re my best friend”. Wipe out. Cold.

He felt Bucky was trying, despite the pain, to take advantage of the situation to win over him, rooting out of the corner of his mind he kept him on a leash.

“NO!” the soldier yelled, hitting the ground as hard as he could with his left hand, crushing it and leaving it in pieces. He felt Bucky stepping back.

Another base. Not far from here. “He’s unstable… erratic”. Blood. The red haired woman standing next to Steve. Steve…

The pain slowly faded away, leaving him panting on the ground. His nose was bleeding again. He stood still, waiting for his blurred vision to stabilize again. Until he realized he had tears in his eyes. He wiped them off with anger and tried to stand up. He felt dizzy. Sick. He took a few deep breaths before gathering his weapons and clothes and stuffing them into a bag. He left the abandoned building to search for a car to steal to accomplish his next mission.

In the depth of his mind, Bucky was preparing his own mission as well…


	6. Chapter 6

The soldier was angry. He was at war with himself and he could feel Bucky was getting stronger. He didn’t see it coming when Bucky took control to warn the building’s switchboard about the bomb he just put in its basement. In the heart of the HYDRA base hidden underneath. But Bucky refused to kill innocents. HYDRA agents he was fine with… after the soldier made him remember the torture. But collateral damage were inevitable at war, how could he refuse that?

Bucky was lucky the soldier had to chase the few agents that managed to leave before they launched the explosion. The soldier couldn’t even enjoy the view of the collapsing building. He went on a hunt that kept him busy a couple of days. Bucky had been strangely quiet in the meantime. But the soldier didn’t forget. He would pay for that. Deeply.

It was the third base he took down. He knew Steve was on his tracks once more, but this time the soldier would keep Bucky on a leash so tight he wouldn’t ruin everything again. “You wish!” Oh fine, so now he was talking… The soldier ignored Bucky and focused on the fourth base he wanted to take down. It would be easier. Far from town. Quiet.

 

 

Steve stood in front of the debris of the tower. It was the third building booby-trapped. And each time, the ruined of an underground HYDRA base were found under the rubble.

It had to be him. Natasha agreed with him. He let them take care of the leaders (why??) and attacked the place. Coincidences like that did not exist in their life.

The first base was under a mall and was blown up by night. No death. The second was under a university dormitory, blown up in the middle of the day. Minimum collateral damages. But those six deaths were weighting heavily on Steve’s conscience.

Why didn’t Bucky let them help him?

This time he managed thing perfectly. An anonymous phone call, bomb alert in the building. In the short time between the moment the building was emptied and the one the bomb disposal expert were ready to go in, the bomb went off. No casualties. Steve was, somehow, happy to see Bucky was trying to keep as much as possible innocent people out of the equation. Whatever he said and whatever people thought, Steve knew Bucky was there somewhere. His Bucky.

Natasha walked back to him, shaking her head.

“As the other two. No evidence what so ever… No one saw anything. SHIELD is taking care of the HYDRA base… _They_ didn’t have time to evacuate...” she added.

Steve closed his eyes. It was war. It was inevitable. Natasha seemed to have followed the same train of thoughts.

“I would have done the same, if I were him. Kill two birds with one stone, in a way…” she casually said before walking back to the car.

Steve stayed a little longer, looking at the ruins in front of him.

“Oh Bucky… Come back, please… Let me help….” He muttered before turning his back and getting in the car.

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

The soldier crawled back to the mattress he used as a bed. Another crisis. A huge one. He didn’t know how long it lasted, but every time he thought it was over, a new wave of pain brought him down. He just stood in fetal position, waiting for it to stop, for the pain to leave. Even Bucky stayed curled up in the depth of his mind, unable to try anything against him. Pain was affecting the two of them. Maybe Bucky was even more stunned than the soldier.

It started when he came back from the fourth base. Nothing went as expected. He was so busy arguing with Bucky – he thought he shouldn’t kill them all. Fool – he didn’t see the shot coming. He managed to end the mission anyway. The journey back was kind of blurry but he knew he could recover. He felt the crisis arriving and, against any rule of security, he parked the stolen car in the street of the abandoned building he used as quarters. He barely had time to climb up to his floor when the first wave hit him. He nearly lost consciousness. He wished he had.

Memories were starting to make sense. To connect. But he only remembered HYDRA. The missions. The tortures. The rest – before, Steve, Brooklyn, the war… - was Bucky’s. Sometimes his body reacted to it – appeasement, happiness or sadness. But he understood very little of it, despising how it affected him. He thought of it as he struggled with his breath. Bucky was weak. Useless. Harmless. The soldier was efficient, useful, a great weapon. An important asset.

He felt Bucky mocking him in the back of his head. Murderer. Soulless. He shook his head.

“Look where your feelings brought you… You died and your best friend did nothing to save you…”

He felt the mockery turning into anger. He couldn’t help smiling. So predictable… Easy to deal with…

“Oh I’m easy to deal with, right?... Well deal with _that_ , my friend!”

He barely heard that thought before sinking into unconsciousness, unable to do anything against it.

 

 

“Steve…. It’s me… It’s Bucky…”

Steve turned around at once. He was just coming home from SHIELD. Bucky had put another base down. And he was standing in front of him. On his doorstep. Visibly in pain, struggling to stand up.

“Steve… I need your help…”

His voice was broken. He was so pale… and skinnier than last time. Steve saw him losing his balance and stepped up quickly to support him.

“Come in, buddy. I’m gonna take care of you.” Steve whispered.

At last, Bucky was back. Steve couldn’t help being relieved even if the state of his friend scared him terribly. Bucky grabbed his shoulder as he helped him lying on the couch.

“Steve, I don’t know how long I’ll stay… He doesn’t like it when I take control, he…” Bucky was talking fast, hardly breathing. He seemed terrified.

“Who are you talking about?” Steve didn’t understand. Information was he worked alone.  “I’m here, Bucky. I won’t let anyone hurt you, I swear!” Steve grabbed Bucky’s hand and hold it tight.

Bucky sadly laughed and his laugh ended up in a painful cough. He was shaking badly.

“Steve… He’s going to blow all of them up. Every base he knows of, with everyone in it. He’ll take care of SHIELD then. You have to do something, you…”

Bucky stopped in a groan of pain. His breath was more and more laborious. Steve didn’t understand anything and thought the pain was making him delirious.

“Where are you hurt?” he asked.

“My back…” Bucky moaned, panting.

Steve slowly moved him to watch the wound. He was about to tell him he needed medical attention and propose to call SHIELD when the door suddenly cracked open, clearing the passage for Natasha and Sam, guns in hands. Steve felt more than he saw Bucky jumping behind the couch. He was damn fast, going from completely still and laid low by pain to a perfect battle position in less than a second. He took a gun from a holster on his hips and aimed at Natasha.

“You were right, Sir” she said, bringing her hand at her ear.

“Lower your guns” Steve ordered his friends. None obeyed, so he turned to Bucky. “Bucky, they are my friends, they won’t…”

He stopped. He could see it in the way Bucky was standing. He wasn’t shaking anymore. His hand was firm on the gun. His eyes were coldly assessing the situation. But Steve’s heart missed a few beats nevertheless when the soldier answered in a glacial tone.

“Bucky is not there anymore.”

 


	8. Chapter 8

The soldier didn’t even look at Steve when he answered. _She_ was the danger. He remembered she nearly got the best of him last time their path crossed. Steve was physically the closest to his capacities, but he was in state of shock. The third one – Sam? – was insignificant.

He was about to make his move when Bucky tried to gain control again. The soldier shook his head, irritated. He would take care of him. Bucky would pay for that. He brought him the one place he wanted the least to be in.

Steve probably understood what was going on, because he begged “Bucky, come on pal… Fight him! You can do it, come back!”

The soldier turned his gun to him. He felt Bucky tensing his will to stop him if ever he tried to shoot Steve. He could just…

“Soldier!” the red haired barked “Lower your weapon! Now!”

“I don’t answer to orders anymore” he answered, gun still pointed at Steve’s chest.

 

 

Natasha growled. Before she could find any other way to get the opportunity she needed, she heard her earphone crackling.

“Tash?” Clint said directly in her ear. “I have a clear shot…”

She saw Bucky’s eyes locking on her as soon as Clint started to speak. He couldn’t have heard that… It was impossible. Yet the quick look Bucky couldn’t help giving at the window proved her wrong. She didn’t lean on it, because doing so, he slightly lowered his gun. Slightly. More than enough. Natasha jumped above the couch and landed on his chest, dragging him in her fall. She managed to pull his gun off his hand before they landed. They were both up in no time, ready to fight.

 

 

The soldier was up on his feet before he even processed what had just happened. She disarmed him. Like a novice. He mentally slapped himself for letting her get to him.

He carefully watched her guard. Perfect. Very similar to his. He felt Bucky moving to the edge of his conscience but knock him off with a flick. He knew her. He could beat her. She was gifted, she was fast, but he was better. Stronger. He was…

Alone against two gifted warriors. He felt Steve behind him as he engaged against the woman. Steve put his arm around the soldier’s neck and pulled him backwards, tightening his grip. That’s how he got him last time. The soldier sent the woman against a book shelf with a solid kick in the stomach, then started to hit Steve as hard as he could, any place he could reach. His left arm was doing a fine job, he heard Steve groaning a few times. He let himself fell as heavily as he could on Steve, and…

He had forgotten Sam. He appeared out of nowhere and pulled on his left arm with all his weight, pinning it on the ground. Sam punched the soldier in the face a couple of time. He was starting to lack of oxygen. He shouted in both pain and anger.

He saw the red-haired woman coming back in his field of vision. She gave him a smirk and he fell a sudden pain in his head before losing conscience.

 

 

“I had him on the rope, Nat…”

“We don’t have time for that, Rogers” she interrupted. “If his skull is as thick as yours, he won’t be out long!”

She then talked to her microphone, turning her back on Steve.

“He’s down Sir…. Yes Sir…” She turned to him again. “They want us on the roof in 5 minutes. Extraction.” Steve nodded. “Clint, do you copy?”

“Already on my way!” Steve heard Hawkeye’s answer.

Sam helped him put Bucky on his shoulders and he brought him to the roof as the helicopter landed. Clint caught up with them as they ran to the aircraft. A paramedic team was waiting for them and helped Steve to lay Bucky on a stretcher as the others took seats. One of the meds injected Bucky with something while the others tied his arms and legs together with solid metal bonds.

Steve stayed next to Bucky all along. In case he woke up. But they took precautions this time.

Coulson refused to let him stay in the room they had prepared for him. A room designed to handle the Hulk. Bucky had no chance to get out of here on his own.

Steve took his guard behind the one way glass, watching his friend getting care of. He suffered only from a flesh wound. They took the bullet out and dressed his wound before leaving. Steve stayed, watching Bucky sleep, anxiously waiting to see who would wake up.

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

“He’s not supposed to be awake already.”

Steve barely heard Simmons. He was looking at Bucky – no, that wasn’t Bucky, that was the other one – pacing angrily in the room.

“With the dose of sedative and his wound, he shouldn’t even be able to get up…” she added, disbelieving her own eyes.

Steve couldn’t figure out how to help Bucky… He knew his friend was stuck somewhere in his own mind and there was nothing…

“Captain?” Coulson gently asked. “Would you join us, please? I think it might interest you…”

Steve nodded and turned around.

“Fitz-Simmons?” Coulson called, looking at the pair of young –very young – scientists standing in front of him.

“We already had blood test on the sample we had last time the subject was brought…”

“Don’t… Just don’t call him that, would you?” Steve cut her off. “His name is Bucky.”

“Hum… Sorry?” she said with a pout of apology. “So… Blood tests we did then and the ones we added today showed that… Bucky… show similar healing capacities as Captain Rogers. Dr Banner helped us prove there’s also a minimal level of gamma radiation…”

“Similar to the one we can find in both Captain Rogers’ analysis, and to a greater extend, Dr Banner’s himself. Except it’s not exactly the same subfamily and it shows specific…”

“English, Fitz, please?” Natasha asked with a small smile.

“Well, basically, it would seem HYDRA manage to create their own version of the serum Captain Rogers was given… Not exactly the same but effects are very similar…”

Steve leaned against the wall. What else? What else did they do to him? And how many did they create like him?

“That would explain why sedative are ineffective… he’s eliminating them faster…” Simmons deducted. Just like Steve couldn’t get drunk anymore, he thought… He looked at Bucky pacing on and on.

“Why isn’t he… here? Why the…?” Steve didn’t know how to put it.

“Psychology is a vast field, and far from our fields… But he probably suffer from personality disorders due to the return of his memories…”

“Maybe it’s the only way he can stand his past” Sam suggested. Natasha raised her eyebrows. Steve knew she didn’t believe a word he had said about Bucky.

“He said the other one doesn’t like when he takes control. And the other one talked about him too… How can they know the other is here?”

No one answered for a while.

“What about… the pain… the first time he was…”

“I’m sorry sir” Fitz immediately stated. “He woke up too fast for us to run any test. We need him to have a scanner to see the brain damages. It’s highly probable, for what we know of it, that both the wipes out and cryofreeze sessions had deleterious effects on the brain cells and their healing may be more or less painful…”

“It doesn’t hurt when I heal…”

“Steve, you never had to face this” Sam interrupted. “Let them do their job, would you?”

Steve closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against the one way glass as they talked about what else they had to do to Bucky.

 

 

The soldier kept giving furious looks to the one way mirror, wondering who was watching him. Steve, probably. The red-haired? The one he knew… a long time ago….

His wound didn’t hurt anymore and he felt rested. But there was no way out of here and he didn’t like it. He checked. Multiple times. No exit.

His anger was also directed towards Bucky. That idiot tricked him. Took control. All was his fault… and he was _happy_ about it. The soldier could hear him laugh far away at the edge of his mind. Anger rose in his chest and he grabbed a chair to throw it against the glass. Ineffective. Obviously…

“You won’t keep me here forever” he coldly said looking at the glass, and then started pacing again.

 

 

Simmons couldn’t help uttering a little scream when Bucky threw the chair. Fitz patted her back gently. Natasha noticed but didn’t care. She was concerned about Steve. He wouldn’t accept it if there was nothing to do for Bucky. IF there was still a Bucky somewhere. She gave Sam a side look, knowing he shared her concern. Steve told them what he believed. But Natasha couldn’t help thinking the Winter Soldier was good enough to make Steve believe anything. To trap him. After all, she could do it. She had done it in the past. And he trained her well.

 

 

Sam nodded to Natasha and tapped on Steve’s shoulder.

“Come with me, Steve… Let’s have a coffee. You don’t need to see this.”

Steve opened his eyes, slightly lost.

“They are going to sedate him again. To do more exams”

Steve was feeling sick about it, and lost his nerve when he heard Fitz saying “Maybe I’ll take a look at that arm in the meantime… Such a wonderful piece of…”

Steve roughly pushed him against the wall.

“He is NOT a lab rat, you hear me?” he hissed.

Sam tried to pull him away but he kept staring at Fitz’s distraught face.

“Captain… would you please let my agent go?” Coulson calmly asked, putting his hand on Steve arms and looking at him in the eyes.

He reluctantly obeyed, giving Fitz one last angry stare before turning to the glass. Bucky was standing perfectly still in the middle of the room, staring at him –well he didn’t know Steve was there, but it looked as if… - with anger in his eyes. His fists were clenched as he took deep breaths.

“Oh my God…” wondered Simmons. “I think he smelled the anesthetic… It’s supposed to be odourless…”

“Shouldn’t he be asleep already?” Natasha asked.

“Well, problem is we don’t know how his body reacts, so I guess it’s not working as well as it does on normal… people” Fitz answered after a quick look at Steve.

But Steve wasn’t listening to them. He stepped closer to the glass as Bucky started to lose his balance.

“I’m so sorry, Bucky…” he whispered. Only Sam heard him. Before Bucky slowly slipped unconscious on the ground, Sam grabbed Steve and forced him to leave the room. He didn’t say a word. There was nothing he could say.

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

“How could you let him?” Natasha angrily asked.

“We’re all here if something goes wrong, he’s tied up, and Captain Rogers really needs it.” Coulson said. He couldn’t help smiling a little at Natasha’s concern. He would never have bet these two would become such good friends.

Results were not good. Fitz discovered a small device in Bucky’s brain. Functionality unknown. But associated with severe damages, some of them possibly currently healing. When he asked if it was possible to get it out of Bucky’s head, Simmons declared as long as they didn’t know its use, it wasn’t safe to take it out, considering it could kill him.

 

 

Steve took his guard up again as soon as they were done with Bucky. It broke his heart to see his friend tied up to the bed, but Bucky also seemed soothed in his sleep. His breath was deep and calm.

When Bucky woke up, he seemed lost. His eyes wandered on the walls as he softly tested his bonds. Steve was already half way to the door when Natasha stopped him.

“It’s him Natasha, it’s Bucky!”

“Steve?” Bucky called in a rasping voice, as to confirm what Steve had already seen.

Steve tried to walk past Natasha but she stopped him again. He stared at her angrily.

“You don’t know that, Steve. He’s a professional, he could easily be fooling you. You can’t go in there, we don’t even know what…”

Steve felt anger rise in his chest but before he could say anything, Director Coulson ordered “Let him go, Agent Romanoff.” Natasha stepped back, shaking her head in disapproval. But Steve didn’t even see it. He was already in.

Bucky relaxed straight after Steve appeared. He couldn’t move at all, but he squeezed Steve’s hand hard as soon as Steve took his. He looked exhausted.

“I’m so sorry, Steve…”

“Don’t… don’t ever…” Steve stopped him. ‘We are going to find a way to help you.”

“He’s so much stronger than me… Steve, he wants them dead. Your friends. I’m strong enough to protect you, but… He’s so angry… You have to put me down, I can’t…” He stopped and shook his head, as to chase something. “He won’t let me stay, Steve… I’m so happy to see you ok… But you _have_ to kill him. No matter the cost. He’s too dangerous to be left…”

“Shut up Bucky!” Steve angrily shouted. “Don’t EVER talk like that again, that is NOT an option, you hear me?”

 

 

Behind the one way mirror, Coulson rose an eyebrow, looking at Natasha. She shrugged her shoulders.

“Maybe he’s extremely good.”

“Or maybe he tells the truth…” Coulson answered.

Natasha was confused. That sure didn’t look like the man who trained her. But she knew he was the best, and he could fool all of them. How could they ever be sure?... She tried to remember everything she knew about him…

He trained her when she started. For half a year, she spent her days with him. He was tough. Demanding. Incredibly gifted. In every possible field. He taught her most of the things she knew. He showed her how to make up for her lack of physical strength. He barely talked outside of training. But they did share more than tactical and fighting skills. She remembered the few times they …

Her train of thoughts brutally stopped as a loud cry – pain, indubitably – resounded in the room. She looked up to see Steve bended over Bucky, holding his face in his hands. Bucky was hunched on himself, muscles tensed, fists clenched, screaming. She rushed in the room after Coulson and Fitz and Simmons.

 

 

“Come on Bucky, stay with me… hold on… look at me pal, you can do it!” Steve was endlessly speaking to Bucky.

Fitz started to plug devices and captors on Bucky’s head. Steve gripped his arm. Tight.

“What are you doing? Help him!”

Fitz sharply freed himself and said “If you want me to help him, I need to understand what’s happening!”

Steve let him go on and went back to Bucky. His nose was bleeding, and blood also flowed out of his ear. Tears were running down his cheeks and his breath was bad. He was barely conscious.

“I’m sorry Steve… I can’t…” he panted.

“Yes you can. You have to… Don’t leave me Bucky…”

Bucky grabbed Steve’s arm. Natasha moved forward, ready to act if things went bad.

“Finish it Steve… Please… I beg you…” he implored. He closed his eyes as pain distorted his face.

“I’m done!” Fitz shouted as Bucky’s grip tightened on Steve’s arm. Fitz unplugged his devices and Simmons immediately injected Bucky with a high dose of sedative. He relaxed quickly as his eyes lost focus and he lost his senses.

“No!” Steve yelled. “No, no, no, no… please Bucky, please… Come back…”

Bucky’s grip got loose on Steve’s arm and his hand fell hard on the bed. Steve let himself sit heavily on the ground next to Bucky’s bed. He was so afraid. Afraid of what was happening to Bucky. Of who would wake up. He needed his friend… And more than that… Bucky needed him.

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

“That’s not good… not good at all….” Fitz was nervously pacing in front of his computer.

“Fitz” Coulson called and the young man stopped at once, looking up. Steve felt he would not like what was coming.

“It would seem the device in Sgt Barnes’ brain is a… sort of guarantee, in a way…” Simmons started.

“Apparently, once it’s activated, it stays “on hold” for a given period and then starts to send some kind of shock waves through the brain. I couldn’t analyze the nature of it, but it seems to be the cause of the “crisis”” Fitz explained.

“We came to the conclusion it was a way to make sure he would go back to base once his missions were over… Or die before he could be of any use to someone else… Quite persuasive, really…” Simmons added.

“Except they forgot to take into account his healing capacities…”

“So… where is the problem? Can’t you just take it off?” Sam asked.

“Well, chances are he’ll die if we try to take it out while it’s activated” Simmons nervously answered.

“So… What now?” Natasha inquired.

“Right now, he’s healing fast enough to repair the damages caused. But thing is apparently the system is triggered when he starts remembering too much. But every time he heals, new memories are brought back… So we can only guess it will happen more and more, and probably increasingly violent…”

“It’s a race, really… between the damages and injuries the device is leading to and his own healing capacities. Eventually, damages will be too much and… well… as Fitz said, it’s not good…” Simmons concluded.

No one said anything and the tension was palpable. Steve could feel the weight of their stares. He was leaning on the wall next to the one way glass. The soldier was back. And even _he_ looked exhausted after what happened. Steve was surprised how easily he could recognize one from the other. It was the eyes mostly… The soldier’s were cold, empty… Natasha came close and touched his arm

“Steve? Did you… ?”

“I heard, Natasha” he roughly said, moving away from her. He rubbed his arm. Bucky nearly broke it and it was still a little painful. “How long do we have?” he asked Fitz and Simmons.

“Well…”

“It’s really hard to say…”

“We are lacking of information…”

“We can’t even assess if seeing you could trigger…”

Steve gave them a dark look and they started stammering in unison.

“Well… I think we can… Let’s say it’s a matter of weeks, at best” Fitz quickly worked out.

Steve already started walking out of the room when Sam’s question put him on hold.

“Could this all explain… you know… the personality split stuff?”

Natasha sniffed scornfully. She still wasn’t convinced. Steve ignored her and gave all his attention to the two scientists.

“Well…” Simmons hesitated. “It is really _really_ theoretical and hypothetical here, ok?... We _think_ the device damage the long term memory, you see… So it would… it could explain…”

“His healing capacities are good enough to allow him to keep gaining new memories – which is not really helping with the main problem here, but… Anyway, we think the device doesn’t “allow” his mind to completely process them. So he can’t really be “whole”, if I can put it that way…”

“We think Bucky is still there, more or less all of the time… But the device affects him more, that’s why he’s too weak to step up. And the other one… Well he probably have all the Winter Soldier’s memories and for now, he seemed a little less affected… But if that hypothesis is revealed true, the problem is they are not connected to each other, not really… So when it’s the soldier, well… He’s still as HYDRA shaped him to be…”

No exactly, Steve thought. He was taking HYDRA down… and SHIELD with it. He made decisions on his own…

“What will happened if we managed to take this thing out?” he asked.

“We don’t know” Fitz frankly answered. “I’d say it’s a 50/50… Either he’ll be entirely back or… He’ll be gone forever…”

 

 

The soldier wondered what they did to him. He was exhausted. The simple thought of getting up made him dizzy. But he was still tied up to the bed anyway, so…

Why was it harder and harder to keep damn Bucky on a leash?

“Maybe because you’re worthless, buddy… I don’t need you. They’ll find a way to get rid of you…”

The soldier didn’t even bother answering. As if he could threaten him…

“You are such a cock! You don’t even _feel_ when I take control and you don’t feel threatened yet? Soon you’ll be at my place…”

“Shut up! You know nothing!”

He heard Bucky laughing as he stepped back at his place in his mind.

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

“What’s the plan now?” Sam asked.

“We need to find a HYDRA scientist… See how to deactivate the damn thing…”

“There aren’t any under arrest yet…” Natasha informed them. “And what if it wipes Bucky when they take it off?” she objected.

“Well at least I’ll have no remorse when I kill him!” Steve hissed, violently striking the table between them. “Is that what you want to hear, Natasha?” She took a step back, disturbed.

“Do you have something to say?”

“Bucky told me… the other one… knew you…”

“He shot me, Steve, remember?” she said, pointing at her stomach.

“… before that.”

Natasha remained silent, her face shut down. Sam’s eyes were moving from one to the other, not really liking the tension rising in the room.

“Hey guys, I don’t know what that’s about, but…”

“What do you want, Rogers?”

“The truth would be nice. For once.”

Their voices were as cold as ice. Natasha seemed angry and hurt. She hesitated for a second.

“He trained me. Back in the days, when I got in… Taught me everything. Took me on my first missions. I think you are well placed to guess how it felt like when he shot me. I suppose he didn’t even recognize me. After all we…” she stopped and shook her head. “What good does it bring you to know that?” she asked.

Steve knew she wasn’t telling him the whole truth. He could see it in the veil that suddenly covered her eyes. He didn’t push further though, he just wanted her to admit it. He needed to be sure of Bucky. And it gave him a beginning of a plan.

“I need you to speak to him. The other one won’t talk to me, but if he remembers you…”

“You know I don’t believe in that split personality shit, right?”

“Please, Natasha… Just do it for me? We need to find a HYDRA base. Maybe he’ll be more inclined to speak to you… We need to try…”

 

 

The soldier froze when Natasha entered the room. He stared at her every move as she took a chair and sit a few feet from his bed.

“Vy menya pomnite?” she asked in russian. He gave her an empty look.

“Dolzhen li ya?” he shrugged.

She didn’t answer He kept staring at her. A glimmer of interest lighted in his eyes as his attention rose. She let him stare at her, looking straight in his eyes, standing still.

“Ty moya” Bucky broke the silence.

“Ne bol'she.” she objected. “Mne nuzhno, chtoby dat' mne informatsiyu o HYDRA.” She continued. (*)

He shook his head, furiously. His fists clenched as he violently pulled on his bonds. Then he suddenly relaxed, hunched. His breath slightly fastened.

“He’s not really willing to help you, you know…” he softly said in English. Natasha frowned. “I’m sorry” he added, raising his head “It seems I can’t speak Russian… But it’s a pleasure to finally meet you… Natasha.”

Bucky managed to smile. An exhausted, small smile. Natasha never saw him smile before. He seemed concerned, worried.

“You don’t believe me, do you?” he sadly asked. “How can I prove…”

“You can’t” Natasha sharply said.

The soldier sighed. Then he looked up and calmly gave her all she wanted. The locations of a few HYDRA bases he could remember of.

“He knows more” he apologized “but he’s hiding them from me. I’m sorry.”

Natasha stood up as he added

“Be careful. He’ll try to escape. He plans to get hurt somehow and then use the medical team as a shield to clear the way…”

Natasha nodded and walked to the door when he asked

“You hate me, don’t you?” He sounded broken.

She turned around and coldly looked at the soldier. Before she could answer, he suddenly bended on himself with a groan of pain. She took one step forward but he threw his head back before she could reach him. She froze. His face was distorted with rage and his eyes were ice cold. He stared right through her as he didn’t see her. The fury in his voice made her shiver in angst.

“You will pay for this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (*) “Do you remember me?”  
> “Should I?”  
> “You’re mine.”  
> “Not anymore. I need you to give me information about HYDRA”


	13. Chapter 13

Bucky could hardly stay conscious. But he fought hard, afraid not to come back if he gave up. The soldier was beside himself. Beyond angry. Worse than he ever was. And he finally found a way to hurt Bucky. It was _physical_ even if he didn’t own his body anymore. He could feel the pain as if it was real. Bucky had no idea how the soldier managed to do this, but it was terrible, and he could do nothing against it.

He tried to make himself as insignificant as possible in his mind. Curled up in a corner, focused on his memories, and ignored the soldier. He didn’t understand why it felt easier and easier to take control, but the soldier did not like it. And he made it quite clear. Bucky focused on Steve to hold on. Steve was fine. He survived the war. He was fighting for him. He would find a way. Otherwise, Bucky promised himself he would deal with it.

“Do you really think I’d let you do this?”

“Get out!”

“When will you _learn_ …”

The soldier laughed at him as he sent him a new wave of pain. Pure pain.

“Don’t ever give anyone intels about my plans… Don’t try to take control again… Or next time I swear I’ll find a way to end you!”

Bucky couldn’t even scream to release some of the pain. The soldier was in control, and he was far too focused to let Bucky any chance. He had to hold on… Just hold on…

When the soldier had enough and left him alone, Bucky huddled up in the depth of his own mind. He was exhausted. Hurt. But he made it. He was still here.

 


	14. Chapter 14

Steve was upset. Tired. They just went back from one of the locations Bucky gave them, but only to find another empty, deserted base. Moreover, he had to deal with Natasha, who thought Bucky was playing with them.

“Maybe they just did the math” Sam objected. “It’s not like he didn’t blow a few of them already… They probably emptied every base he put a foot in right now.”

Steve was happy Sam said it. Natasha seemed to think he wasn’t objective when things were coming to Bucky…

When they finally landed on SHIELD base, they were welcomed by an agent who informed them Coulson wanted to see them immediately. HYDRA had led an attack on the facility that hosted Bucky. They had him back. Steve’s heart missed a few beats.

HYDRA attacked with a large squad, and SHIELD agents were soon overwhelmed. Coulson showed them the footage of security cameras. Bucky apparently understood what was going on quite quickly. Even on screen, Steve could see it was not the other one. Bucky looked like a wild stag stuck in headlights.

But when they cracked open the door, Steve saw he let the soldier in. He fought like a tiger. Killed a bunch of them. But eventually, the amount of enemies and a triple dose of sedative were too much. They chained him and got away.

Steve felt pure rage running down his blood. He won’t let them have him again.

 

 

Bucky was terrified. He knew the soldier would deal with it better than he could, so he stepped back. But even _he_ wasn’t enough. Bucky feared they would turn him into a soulless instrument again. Set him against Steve…

“Oh stop whining, would you?...”

“You were supposed to deal with it. Look where we are now!”

He felt the soldier’s disdain as a burn on his soul. He felt dizzy. He had no idea where they were. He had a hood on his head and it hampered his breathing. He tried to take deep breaths, to calm down.

“Pathetic…”

“Oh, shut up!”

He felt hands forcing him to stand up. To walk. They made him sit. The soldier took control again, trying to take advantage of the short moment they had to take the handcuffs off to tie him up again to the chair. His left arm locked up on someone’s throat and he felt the bones breaking as he struggled to get free. But a Taser shock made him release the lifeless body and he felt multiple hands weighting on his arms, pinning him to the chair. He got tied up again. Unable to move. The soldier retired in the depth of his mind. Bucky wondered why, considering how the soldier hated when Bucky was in control. Then it struck him. The soldier was just as scared as Bucky of what was ahead. Pain was probably the only thing they shared, and they both knew they would have more than their share here…

 

 


	15. Chapter 15

“Where is SHIELD?”

“Who runs it now?”

“Where is Captain America?”

“What are his weakness?”

“How can we attack them?”

Bucky only answered with silence. They didn’t take it well, but nothing he couldn’t handle. He knew they wouldn’t damage their most effective weapon. Not too much at least. As they questioned him, he observed the room he was in. Maps, official documents… He tried his best to memorize most of it. In case it became useful…

For now, they were too eager to know everything about SHIELD rebirth to think about wiping him. His mind was running as fast as he could to find a way out before they consider it.

“Would you mind helping a little?”

The soldier barely showed himself these last few days. Bucky nearly missed him sometimes.

“Who’s the coward now? You praise yourself to be better than me, yet look at you…”

“You won’t like it.”

“What?”

“You already know my plan…”

Bucky’s heart sank when he understood. Oh God… That was going to hurt.

 

 

The knife he stole from the tray meal wasn’t even sharp. Of course it wasn’t. They weren’t stupid enough to give him any possible weapon. Bucky swallowed hard, tightening his grip on the knife.

“Need help?”

“I don’t _need_ you.”

The perspective of action seemed to wake the soldier up. His interest was lightened. He didn’t try to take control though, and kept observing Bucky. He thought he wouldn’t be strong enough to do it when the moment came. He was patiently waiting for his moment, knowing Bucky would eventually fail.

“Come on, it’s just a small cut. Make it bleed enough for them to send help…” he reminded Bucky. “Once you get a proper shield, it will…”

“When will you understand I won’t take the risk of turning into you ever again?” Bucky asked, contemptuous.

He shivered, trying not to think of the pain, of what would happen next… of what Steve would think… and then he cut. His right arm. Deep. From wrist to elbow.

He felt the soldier’s anger when he understood Bucky didn’t plan to get out of here. Not alive at least.

The scientists rushed in within a minute, only escorted by two guards. Bucky knocked them all out in no time. He tried his best not to hit too hard, but he had no time to care. He stole a cellphone and he ran into the first empty room he could find.

Bucky fought back when the soldier tried to take control. He blocked the door, broke the handle. He hurried sending his message as his vision blurred. The he crushed the phone in his left hand and hid the debris. They couldn’t know. They wouldn’t. He sat down, heavily, against a wall. He hoped that by the time they handle the door, it would be too late.

He denied the soldier the right to take control of his body, and, fists clenched, let life flowed out of him. Thinking it was the only way… he had to… he had to… Steve would forgive him…

 

 

Steve couldn’t stand still. They finally had something. He received a concise text message minutes ago. Coordinates, with a short text “Main base.”

He knew it was Bucky. He didn’t know how he had his phone number. Probably had a whole file about him. He didn’t care.

Coulson quickly had confirmed there was a suspicious facility in the middle of nowhere at this location. Steve knew deep in his heart that was where they took Bucky.

They were going in. A small group at first. Natasha called Clint in. Sam was already packing his wings. Steve took his shield and tried to calm down.

“We are coming Bucky…. Just hold on.”


	16. Chapter 16

Bucky slowly regained consciousness. It wasn’t right… No! No! He couldn’t…  

“Well done…”

“Oh because _your_ plan was much better maybe?... It would have failed!”

“Shut up and listen!”

“He won’t cooperate, we already told you” a scientist was saying. “He’s been out of cryo for too long. He’s beyond erratic. Dangerous. We can’t even be sure a wipe out will be enough…”

Panic started uncontrollably to spread in Bucky’s chest.

“Then repeat if necessary.”

Bucky knew that voice. Panic rose at a new level. He couldn’t figure out where he…

“Pierce’s second” the soldier whispered in his mind.

The scientist nodded and turned to Bucky. He was tightly handcuffed but he shrugged as hard as he could. He felt the soldier putting all his strength in the battle. He couldn’t help shouting “No! No! Don’t do this! Please don’t do it!”

Two soldiers pushed him back on the seat as Pierce’s second hissed “We _own_ you. How dare you? Stop resisting!” Bucky tried to bite them, to rip off his bond. He struggled harder, screamed in both anger and terror. His breath fastened. He knew it was going to hurt.

He felt the arm-shackles locking, nailing him on the chair. He couldn’t take it. As the programming mechanism started to lock into place, he curled up in the deepest of his mind, leaving the soldier in charge.

“Leaving the ship before it sinks, don’t we…?”

Bucky didn’t answer. He focused on one thought, hoping it would somehow reach its destination.

“I’m so sorry Steve… so sorry…”

He screamed.

Pain. 

Terror.

Void.


	17. Chapter 17

Clint and Sam cleared the surroundings in no time while Natasha and Steve slipped into the facility like shadows. As soon as they would put their hands on Bucky, they had to report it and SHIELD would unleash hell. Even Fury went out of his retreat to help Coulson. Unofficially of course. HYDRA would be put down tonight.

Natasha got rid of the first few soldiers before Steve could even do anything to help. He had to focus. Natasha worried he wasn’t up to the task. It was too personal. When they reached a fork, they went each their separate way after a last worried look.

 

 

Natasha didn’t even hear him come. She was sneaking in a room – empty – when he laid his hand on her shoulder, forcing her to turn around. His left hand locked up on her throat before she could do anything and he violently banged her against the wall. Her vision darkened a little but she managed to croak

“Bucky, don’t…”

He looked at her with empty eyes.

“Who the hell is Bucky?”

Natasha’s heart dropped. Steve would never accept it, he would never… The grip on her throat loosened slightly. The soldier looked at her with curiosity.

“I know you…” He seemed to search for an answer on her face. “… Tasha”

She jumped. That’s how he used to call her during their… out-of-school activities. She couldn’t stand anyone calling her that after he shot her.

In the same time, she couldn’t help thinking that if he remembered that, then maybe they didn’t wipe him. Steve would be so relieved.

She shrugged.

“Don’t you dare calling me that! You nearly killed me” she angrily said. He seemed confused, having a hard time to process. Then he understood.

“You were in front of my target. I didn’t know you… Now _you_ are my target. And I won’t miss this time.”

That was just a state. No emotion. No remorse.  But, Natasha thought as the soldier squeezed her throat harder, there never was any feelings involved…

 

 

Steve retraced his steps. There were too many people in the base, and he felt in his bones they should have stuck together.

He stopped. Even from here, he could see she was close to fainting. He threw his shield as he started running, yelling “Bucky, no!”

Bucky released Natasha and turned around at inhuman speed to catch the shield before it hit him. Natasha crashed on the ground and crawled away. She would be fine. Steve focused on Bucky… on the soldier. He was quietly standing his ground, looking overly confident. No emotion in his eyes. Just emptiness. A large bandage cover his whole right forearm. Steve tried to move forward, calling Bucky. The soldier didn’t react. He just took a gun from a holster on his belt and aimed. His finger was on the trigger…

But he stopped in the middle on his move. He suddenly looked lost, and he stumbled while moving back. His eyes were filled with pain and remorse when they locked on Steve’s.

“Steve… go! Now! I won’t hold him long, I’m…”

He let both his gun and the shield fall on the floor as he himself fell on his knees. His breath became quicker, fearful and a moan of pain went out of his throat. His face was rife with terror and anguish. Steve was already kneeling next to him. As he reached for his shoulder, Bucky brutally pushed him away, sending him a few feet away in the corridor.

“NO!” the soldier shouted, putting himself back on his feet. “You are my mission, and I will terminate it.”

He headed for him, taking his knife in his hand. He engaged the fight. Steve defended himself but refused to hurt Bucky. He felt lighter when he thought that, whatever they did to him, Bucky managed to resist. But Steve forgot how strong Bucky was. How fast. It wouldn’t last, he would have to strike back before the soldier really hurt him.

As the soldier slowly took advantage and Steve started to consider fighting back, Bucky suddenly stopped again. He gave Steve a look of apology and, grabbing him by the neck, pressed his forehead against Steve.

“I’m sorry my friend.” He whispered.

Steve saw Bucky got hold on his knife and stabbed himself hard in the chest. In the same time, Natasha jumped on Bucky’s back and pushed a needle far away in his neck. The soldier still had time to grab her and throw her against Steve before falling once again on his knees.

Steve got up as fast as he could, shouting “NO!! Bucky, no, please…” He rushed to take his friend in his arms as he collapsed. “No Buck… what have you done…”

 


	18. Chapter 18

Bucky was exhausted. Just keep on _being_ was requiring all his energy. He had managed to take control long enough to save Steve, but it nearly made him fade away. It would be so much easier… Just letting go… But the thought of Steve just wouldn’t leave him.

Steve was the only thing that made him survive the wipe out. He built himself a shell with all his memories. He felt the soldier trying to creep in but he flicked him away. He barely made it. But he was still here once the wipe out was over. Exhausted, but alive. He hid as deeply as he could in the depth of his mind, waiting for his strength to come back.

But he used it all. He felt like he was dying.

When the sedative started to be effective, he feared he wouldn’t wake up from this. So he gathered what remained of himself to say one last thing. Steve was holding him in his arms when he whispered “Steve… I am so proud to have been your friend…”

He didn’t hear his answer. He was gone.

 

 

Steve let Natasha handle the rest. Report to SHIELD. Protect him and Bucky when he carried him out. Soon HYDRA was down. Totally under control. But Steve didn’t care. He waited for help to come, cradling Bucky’s unconscious body.

“Come back, Buck… hold on… Don’t leave me now.”

Medical team arrived and started taking care of Bucky under Steve’s careful watch when Natasha came back. Steve hadn’t even noticed she was gone. She was dragging a scientist behind her.

“You know him?” she asked roughly, pointing at Bucky. The scientist nervously nodded. “Can you deactivate the device in his head?”

“We… we already deactivated it before the wipe out… It’s not… It has not been reactivated…” the scientist stammered.

Natasha threw him in a SHIELD agent’s arm “Take that away from here.”

Steve had barely heard it. He just felt her squeezing softly his hand once he sat in the helicopter, next to Bucky. He let her. He had no strength left to put people away.

 


	19. Chapter 19

Steve was pacing up and down the corridor. Natasha and Clint were gone debriefing with the director. Sam stayed with him. He tried a couple of time to have him sit, but it never lasted. He gave up.

HYDRA was down. Or soon to be. Thanks to Bucky. The base they took down was indeed the primary base and gathered information about every other base and every HYDRA agent. SHIELD was already taking it into pieces.

But Steve didn’t care. He could only think of his friend. Bucky was still alive – barely – when they arrived at the hospital. The stab had hit the lung, and he had lost a lot of blood. Steve kept on praying he would be strong enough. That his healing capacities would keep him alive.

On top of that, they decided to take the device off as he already was on the surgery table. He had been in OR for hours now. So Steve knew that even if Bucky came out of surgery alive, Steve would still spend an endless time in anguish, wondering if his friend would still be here when he would wake up.

 

 

He made it. Steve sat heavily next to the bed, taking Bucky’s hand in his. He was still alive. Breathing on his own. They thought he would wake up in a few hours. They had him handcuffed to the bed. Just in case. Steve watched his friend’s deep, regular breath. They had to shave his head. He looked so much younger without his long locks. He was so pale…

Steve tried not to think about Natasha apologizing for not trusting him. She realized the Winter Soldier would never put himself in danger like he did that night, especially knowing they were his mission. She believed him when he said that Bucky was there somewhere. That he saved them. She also told him more about the Winter Soldier and their relation. She told him she didn’t want to hide anything from him. That he needed to know, in case the soldier was the one waking up… Steve decided to ignore that possibility. And not to think about both his friends together… Even if he was quite sure Bucky would like her… That was far too disturbing, and he already had a lot to deal with…

Steve felt the tiredness of the last days knocking him out. His head was painful of too much thinking.  He put his head on the mattress next to Bucky’s hand and closed his eyes, praying for his friend.

 


	20. Epilogue

A light pressure on his hand made Steve open his eyes. Where the hell was he? God his neck hurt…

“Hey, punk!” Bucky’s voice was exhausted, rasping. “Waiting for me?”

 

 

Recovery would be long. Not physically, it only had been two weeks and Bucky was already perfectly healed. But mentally… The soldier was gone… Well that wasn’t true, he wasn’t _gone_. He was the soldier. Well, part of him. It was hard for Bucky to accept everything he had done. No matter how often Steve told him it wasn’t his fault, that he had no control… He could feel the blood on his hand. Name every single one of his targets. It always scared him when he caught himself planning an attack, or a hit, when Steve talked about his mission. But he was slowly learning to live with that. Somehow, Bucky kind of missed the soldier. He felt alone in his own head from time to time. He didn’t understand some of his own memories.

 

Natasha helped. Strangely. Bucky would have understood her hatred. Instead, she talked with him about their shared story. Told him what she knew of the Winter Soldier. Softly squeezed his hand before leaving when he apologized for shooting her. Smiled when he flirted a little. Played his game. He felt good around her. More human in a way.

 

And Steve… He would have given up long ago if it weren’t for Steve. He refused SHIELD the right to interrogate him as long as Bucky didn’t fully recover. He made him move in his apartment. As they used to before the war. They just got back into their old habits like they never left one another.

Steve was so patient with him. He never forced him to talk. Or to go out. When Bucky asked him to talk about the past, he would. If he asked him if they could go for a run, they would. If he stayed silent, sitting and staring vacantly at a wall, lost in his thoughts, he would feel Steve was always around, but he never bothered him.

Bucky didn’t like crowd. They were bringing back too much memories. Had problems dealing with strangers. He didn’t know how to act around them. Steve protected him from that. Patiently waited for him to be ready. Accepted his needs to go out for runs at impossible hours. Never left his side, except when SHIELD needed him on a mission.

When he told Steve he would like to work for SHIELD, to redeem himself, his friend softly squeezed his shoulder with a smile. “They are waiting for you. We’d be glad to have you by our side.”

Nightmares were the worst. They were haunting him and leaving him screaming, cold sweating. Steve was always there when he was waking up. Holding his hand. Telling him it would all be fine. And he trusted him. He trusted him…

Finally, Bucky was slowly feeling whole again.


End file.
